I've also been working on Phoebe Caprona's Plan To Take Over The World. Not really. I just couldn't resist that. I was really working on Phoebe Caprona's Weight-Loss Program which involves eating things out of cans day and night and doing sit-ups. When I say eating things out of cans day and night I mean vegetables, because I am too lazy to get fresh vegetables and I would much rather just eat them if all I have to do is pour them in a bowl and pop them in the microwave a bit. I have put on a bit of holiday weight, you see, and I figure it's never too early to start losing weight. I've been really self-conscious today. Every time I hear somebody in the hall say something that ends with 'at', I assume the word they were saying was 'fat', and since I'm within hearing range, they were making fun of me. And I know that's probably not true, because as fat as I feel, I don't get made fun of much. But today I felt really fat. I wish I'd looked in the mirror this morning and seen how good I look- not the best but better than I imagined. This shirt makes me look somewhat skinny. Also, I was planning on staying this size for a little longer, because I noticed this: all the famous people used to be fat. You see, my theory is like the theory on Shallow Hal: pretty girls have no personality. If you meet a pretty girl with a nice personality, it means she was once fat or ugly.

I figure, I've got it kind of easy. Fat is easier than ugly, really. Because ugly is just ugly. Most ugly people aren't fat. And most people who are fat aren't ugly. You see, how it is, is if the fat people lose the weight, they're pretty. But the ugly people can't un-uglify themselves. They're stuck. But the way it is is most fat people and ugly people aren't really fat and ugly, they just THINK they are fat and ugly.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go into all this fat/ugly/personality talk. What I meant to do was kind of say that nothing happened today and that something funny happened on the bus.

So, nothing happened today, and something funny happened on the bus.

Sara and I are sitting there, as always, because that is what you do on a bus: you sit. That is really not where I was going. So, we're sitting there, and this kid keeps throwing balls of paper at us. We could have set the leaning tower of Pisa right with all that paper. Several trees died for no good cause.

Anyway, when Sara found out this kid was doing the throwing, she turned around and yelled, "You're a f***ing retard with no life!" and so he yells back, "You're a f***ing bitch with big boobs!"

Sara, this girl named Caitlin (I think she may have popped up once or twice before) and I all stared at each other for a second before Sara yells, "THANKS!" because we were trying to decide where the insult is in telling someone they have big boobs.

And it still remains an enigma.