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Ahem. What Would Happen if Phoebe Went on The Jerry Springer Show Jerry: Hi, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show. Today our topic is My Child Is Plotting To Single-Handedly Take Over The World. Our first guest is Mrs. Phoebe. Phoebe's Mom: Hello, Jerry. Jerry: Tell us about yourself. Phoebe's Mom: Well, I live in Missouri and I enjoy making soap. Jerry: Like Fight Club soap? Phoebe's Mom: Er... sure. Jerry: So, let's talk about your daughter, Phoebe. Phoebe's Mom: Okay. Jerry: She wants to single-handedly take over the world. Phoebe's Mom: Yes. Jerry: Why? Phoebe's Mom: I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with Ewan McGregor not making People's Top 100 Actors of Our Time list. Jerry: Now really, I was rather disappointed that the Steve Irwin didn't get on the list. Phoebe's Mom: Er... Steve Irwin? The... the crocodile hunter? Jerry: Yes. Phoebe's Mom: He's not an actor-- Jerry: And let's talk to Mr. Phoebe, now. Phoebe's Dad: Uhm. Jerry: So, what's your take on all this? Phoebe's Mom: Excuse me. You didn't ask me that. Jerry: Okay. So what's YOUR take on it? Phoebe's Dad: But--he was asking me a question! Phoebe's Mom: But it was important he asked me. Phoebe's Dad: Why? Phoebe's Mom: ... Jerry: Okay, so let's bring out Phoebe. What I'm Wearing: A trench coat and one of those hats that everyone wore in the early 1930's, over a pinstripe suit. But imagine it a bit more feminine. You know, like Esme in A Series Of Unfortunate Events. Stilletto heels. Is that how you spell it? I've never worn them. Lipstick: a sort of dark red, which I can actually pull off. You can't see the rest of my face because my hat is pulled over it. Phoebe: (waves ecstatically) Audience boos and hisses Phoebe: You don't know me! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! Sara: (stands up in middle of audience) I DO! Phoebe: Well, except you. But the rest of you don't. (looks at Jerry) Why did you dress me up like I was in the mob? Jerry: It's dramatic to give someone plotting to take over the world an outfit like so. Phoebe: Oh. These shoes are killing me. Jerry: Or are you killing the shoes? The crowd cheers Jerry. Phoebe: No, I'm pretty sure the shoes are killing me. Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Phoebe: Can I sit-- Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Phoebe: CAN I SIT-- Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Phoebe: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! The crowd is silent. Phoebe: This outfit is REALLY heavy. Jerry: Or is it that YOU are really heavy? Phoebe: (tackles Jerry) YOU BASTARD! Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Phoebe: (stands up) OH, WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY! Crowd is silent. Phoebe: Can I sit down, now? Crowd: JE-- Phoebe: (glares at crowd) Crowd is silent. Phoebe: PLEASE. This outfit is REALLLLLLY heavy-- A loud THUD as Phoebe falls on the floor. Phoebe: --and I'm having trouble balancing on these heels. Jerry: Sure, sit down. Phoebe: (heaves herself up into chair, stares) Jerry: So Phoebe, tell us-- Phoebe: Why have you given me a rotating chair? Jerry: To create the illusion of evil-ness. Phoebe: I'm not evil. Jerry: Yes, you are! Phoebe: No, I'm not! Just because I'm going to single-handedly take over the world, doesn't mean I'm evil! Jerry: Well, you said you were evil. Phoebe: No, I didn't! Jerry: Yes, you did! Phoebe: NO, I DIDN'T. Jerry: Yes, you did! Phoebe: I NEVER SAID I WAS EVIL. YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW I NEVER SAID I WAS EVIL? BECAUSE I WAS THERE WHEN I SAID IT!!! Jerry: Come on! Play along! Phoebe: I'm not evil. Sheesh. Jerry: So anyway-- Phoebe: What do all these buttons do on this chair? (presses one) A large explosion rattles the building. Phoebe: Er... haha! (flashes teeth) Jerry: Uh... (clears throat) So, Phoebe-- Phoebe: (moves the lever around on the chair, the chair starts spinning) WOOHOO! Jerry: Excuse me, Miss Caprona... Phoebe: IT'S A F---ING ROTATING CHAIR!!! COOL!!! Jerry: Can you please stop-- Phoebe: (spins around to face Jerry) WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU GIVE A TEENAGER AS IMMATURE AS ME A ROTATING CHAIR!? (spins around in it) WOOHOO! Jerry: Stop, please-- Phoebe: Uh-oh. Jerry: What? Phoebe: I can't stop! Jerry: What do you mean? Phoebe: I mean, this chair--it won't stop! Jerry: What? Phoebe: LOOK! I let go of the lever and it's still going around and around! Jerry: Er... Phoebe: And I'm not feeling so great... Jerry: Well-- Phoebe: (stands up on the chair and walks with the chair in an attempt to stay facing one direction) The crowd starts booing. Phoebe: Oh, come on! HONESTLY! The chair stops spinning. Phoebe: (sits down in it) Whoo. Jerry: So, Phoebe, tell us-- The chair suddenly starts spinning about twenty times faster. Phoebe: OH (beep)!!! (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP) F(BEEEEEEEP) SH(BEEEEEEEEEEEEP) (BEEEEEEEEEP) (BEEEEEEP) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Jerry: Er... Phoebe: This chair is POSSESSED!!! I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! The chair stops again. Phoebe: (leans over) Oh, man. Sick. As. A. Dog. Gonna vomit. Gonna vomit... Jerry: And now it's time for our Final Thought. Never buy a rotating chair for a guest on your trashy talk show.
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